My GYN appointment....

Well it was enlightening. I knew I was going for a chat session about the conization deal. They cut out an ice cream shape from the cervix, because the bad stuff is up inside the canal to the Uterus. When they called me and told me the repeat test results a couple weeks ago, they only said that the test came back confirming that I needed the procedure. I had planned on, and did ask if I could wait and have it done in Sept, after the kids were back at School. Usually there is a 4-6 weeks time that you cannot go into the water.. but turns out it's only a week with what he is doing. I didn't want to ruin yet another Summer.

Turns out I can't afford to wait that long. I have pre invasive cancer cells. He said to wait the 3 months, only to find out it had become invasive would be bad.

After more conversation, and my concern of adding to chronic pain.. any procedure can do that now. He said well it *can* happen, but hopefully it won't and we don't have an options.

He will not take out all of the canal, because there are major blood vessels at the top, but he will sample what remains, along with the material that is removed.
As long as there are clean edges, and that upper area is free of bad cells, I'm all set.. except for a pap every 3 months for 2 years. (grumble).. if the results come back bad, they repeat the procedure, or, possibly do a hysterectomy.

just once, i'd like to catch a break.

Also had Pain Clinic appt today.. she was 40 minutes late getting to me, so i have to call and reschedule. This was to tell her the injections helped as much as pissing on a thousand acre fire.. and to see if they will inject my shoulders. I'm in no rush to call them. I am not impressed. Legs are getting worse fast, more conerned about that, than the shoulder pain i've lived with since.. forever. (after 15+ years, we're old friends.)

Doin the Wednesday Shuffle

Scott takes Wednesday's off, so that's the day we get all our errands and appt's done. We have 3 appts and a bunch of errands to get thru today. It always kills me.
First up is Dr GYN... meeting to talk about getting that stupid conization done.
Hoping he will let me wait to do it in Sept, after the kids have gone back to School. After the procedure, there is 4 weeks of nasty discharge, and no submerging in water.. don't want to ruin yet another Summer.
Then, errands..
Then Pain Clinic where I get to pay yet another 40$ to tell them the stupid injections lasted a whole two days. It's going to be difficult not to go OFF on the nurse practitioner. It was kinda like pissing on one of those thousand acre fires.
Then, yes there's more, we have to get home in time to catch the guy from counselling. So far we've paid 60 bucks.. in co-pays.. for paperwork. More of the same today, and we haven't even gotten to the kids yet! They were the reason this all started anyway.
I'm in a rotten mood, don't see it getting any better.

My legs are getting worse. Really bad. After i've been up for a short period, they just stop. It's like they don't get the information to *go*. Think the pilates exercises where you roll back and forth and the instructor says... "use those last four vertebra"... is what's doing it. As I roll down, my left hip screams at me. What ultimately stops my exercise time, is that my legs shake uncontrollably.. so guess that's a good bet huh?

exercise? well sorta.

welp, did a fat burning exercise session. it's 50 minutes.
by the 5 minute warm up.. i was out of breath. it's all marching, with stretching and stuff.. moveing ALL the time. Got about 15 min and legs said no more.
I can feel the muscles in my back that hurt.. but it feels like they are getting stretched. it's a good feeling. have to hold in your tummy hard the whole time. I tend to actually do the opposite,.. push OUT with my tummy.. when I have to lift or carry.. I guess that's how my body has compensated. So that's really hard to keep doing and not revert back to pushing out. pushing out makes things a lot easier.
my whole body at this point is really toast.
but it's my legs that make me stop. the thighs just can't keep up.

Promised Miss M we would do some tomorrow, so will do that first exercise.. like I did the other day.

wow, the 15 min was enough.. gonna take me a while to work up to even getting through it, let alone getting all the moves right.
a lot of it is based on dance.. which brings back my gymnastics moves..
tummy IN! oh my.
=)
just took my meds.. always time it that way.

i'm gonna be ready for danforth.. pain clinic or not.

when overwhelmed.. add more.

Well in this case, I guess it's taking away.. I'm gonna try and loose this weight again.

after my last back surgery, i began to gain weight. It failed, I'm a chronic pain person now. It hurts to move, so you don't. So anything you eat, with a LOT LESS activity, piles on the weight.
Steroids, pile on the weight, other meds, pile on the weight.
Cymbalta, for nerve pain and depression, I just found out they give to anorexia patients.. well I can tell you, it sure ass hell works!
I had lost 22 pounds, no small task.. and promptly put it ALL back on while on the Cymbalta. The med didn't help either nerve pain or depression, so I stopped.. but it was too late for the weight gain. I CRAVED sugar/carbs. Within 3 weeks, I must have eaten 15 huge boxes of Corn Flakes.. with an insane amount of sugar on each bowl. So that it sits at the bottom if the bowl kind of insane.

Yesterday my Medifast order arrived. I found a code, that got me not only free shipping but 4 free boxes. =) So yesterday I had 3 shakes, and a turkey sandwich for Dinner. No Rum.. boo. No sweets!

Hubby is the original Candy Man.. always has sweets. His breakfast usually consists of 2 Mr. Goodbars, and a Coke. (and yes, his teeth are rotten!) Being around bowls of M&M's, giant bags of...well whatever. You name it.. we've got it around.

The kids all have snacks for school of course.. Gosh.. it's like half my grocery bill!

I've used the product before with great results. I did the NO FOOD version. Right now i'm just eating a dinner.. if I eat to little, my body will shut down and not burn because it thinks it's starving, so I actually have to work to keep the calories up. I may switch over to no food after I finish the turkey I bought last night.
I really want to get a lot of this off, before we go Camping at the end of July. I'd love to get into the water with my kids. I am SO self conscious.. last time we went, i wouldn't even go in wearing shorts and a t-shirt.
Anyway, I'd like to loose about 60 pounds. I'll post progress if it happens.

YAY it's friday. Means the kids will have no homework, and as soon as I finish my work for today.. I'm going to work on my quilt top.

Blah.

looking ahead to all these appts i have set up, all the paperwork sitting around here for important things that need to be delt with.. and I just can't get going on any of it. I am overwhelmed.
I'm supposed to see GYN next weds to set up conization.. but that's gonna screw up yet another summer vacation.. at least 4 weeks of it. Want to wait till after Summer to do it.

Have follow up with pain clinic same day. not much to follow up on.. the injections lastd less than 2 days. so basically i have to pay yet another 40 bucks for nothing.

appt with counsellor yesterday was more forms. next week, more forms.. that'll be 60 bucks in co pays for the privledge of filling out forms. And we have all the kids to do still. 3 of em.

i'm just not feeling very optimistic i guess. Yesterday was a very hard day. My pain levels were way up. Blew off the Doc.. wasn't that bad.. well no worse than i've delt with before. What was he gonna do anyway? just another co pay. I couldn't walk.. but again, nothing i haven't done before. whatever.

C's IEP went well.
i'm not into this today.
time for meds. =/ sorry for typos. will fix later.
who am i talking to anyway???
God i'm an idiot.

Now I've done it..

Before I tell you about my idiot idea from yesterday, let me explain some stuff..

The last surgery I had on my low back, didn't take, no fusion. As a result, things are even worse in there now, than before the surgery. The small joints that help the spine move, and also hold the vertebrae in place, are severely degenerated. That vertebrae now moves. That's called instability. When I stand, it gets worse, moves more, and squishes the nerves that leave the spine. My surgeon really doesn't want to go back in, I've already been cut into at that same level 4 times. Other than all this causing a lot of pain, the surgeries have left my *core* muscles in very bad shape.

I went and had those joints injected. It hurt. ~It didn't help.
I started here with my local pain clinic. They did trigger point injections.. into 4 or 6 spots, it was easy. It helped the burning in my low back... for almost two whole days. ~It didn't help.

I'm on a lot of medications.. they keep me moving, but not much else.

I am so frustrated and angry, I'm getting nowhere. So.. I took things into my own hands yesterday. I had ordered some DVD's with Pilate's Exercises. Pilate's were developed for patients that were bed ridden, to help them strengthen those *core* muscles. So, I figured, if people who were so bad they were confined to bed could do them, certainly *I* could.

I got about 15 minutes in, before my legs and back started shaking (spasming) uncontrollably.. and that's when I stopped. I was sore last night. Especially the hip that hurts from a herniation, but not anything I couldn't tolerate.

Well, things are much different this morning. Wednesdays are my mornings to get up with the kids so Scott can sleep in. As soon as I woke up, I knew I was in trouble. I had to log roll to get to a sitting position. Sat there and grabbed my pants with my toes. It was very difficult to get my legs into them. I was afraid to stand and add weight. Up I got. Searing knife like pain shoots threw my low back. I hurt everywhere. (the exercises use a ball, and the outside of my hand hurts from holding it! how pitiful is that?!)

I got the kids up, got to the kitchen, took my meds and sat down. Miss M made me some coffee.. (she loves to do that) I haven't gotten up again.

Scott is off today, it's errand day. On top of that, I've got to go to an IEP for my Son at 1pm and have a counsellor coming at 2.

It's been 90 minutes since I woke up.. i'm going to try to get over to the coffee. Meds should have kicked in by now.. guess I need to decide if I have to call the Doc and get more steroids.
God, there is a love/hate thing with steroids, they help, but make me an emotional mess. What a choice.

Just Another Brick in the Wall...the Tuesday edition.

So it's Tuesday. Kids are off to School, Scott just left for work.. I'm alone. Will get my web work done then chore for today.. sweep. Oh, and my daily duty of picking up dog poop from the yard. He doesn't digest food well.. so it's just goo and he goes constantly. Yesterday I scooped 9 piles, (pancakes?).. had to weigh 15 pounds. Disgusting.

I told ya folks, it doesnt get anymore mundane than this.

Yesterday actually turned out to be a crazy day. My friend P came by to visit. I really miss adult conversation. We are both working through stuff so it was good for both of us. She left and not 10 minutes later the lady from Big Sisters arrived (L)... and my inbox got a couple of bits of work from one of my clients.. and then M got off the bus, in a horrid mood. (I work online, all my cllients are women.. the one who sent me the work, is like a second mom to me.. )


Of course the dogs were barking their stupid heads off, L is a person that talks non stop, even as I was trying to get screwed up orders fixed and speak on the phone to customers. So M was moaning and yelling having a fit trying to get her homework done, L was yammering in my ear.. I told her I was still working and if she could just give me 5 minutes..



Then M's new Big Sister T arrived. She is awesome. Someone you just instantly like. Turns out her birthday is the day before M's.. so after the ice was broken (meaning I literally had to physically drag M from her room to meet her).. they were fast friends. This is going to be really good for M. The kids are prisoners of this house just as I am. So at least one day a week, she can get out and have some fun. A blessing to be sure.



It's interesting how T came to be our Big Sister. She called one of the local offices a while back.. and they never returned her call. She forgot all about it. Randomly she came across our local offices poster.. she called.. and that's how we got hooked up with her.



I completely believe, that there was a reason she never heard back from the first office she called.



I am completely sure, there is a reason she randomly saw the poster, in a place she rarely goes, for our local office.



I am completely sure, that I started this process, at the correct time, for all this to come together as it did.



I believe in Divine Providence.



Maybe today I will start on a mini version of a quilt top. Scott has an Expo coming up in 2 weeks, and he would like a variety of things to show off his Framing.

I made the full version for my brother. It hangs in the entryway to his home, the very first thing you see when you walk into his home. (kinda cool huh?)

Here it is, it's called Starry Night. The mini one will be 14x16 w/out a frame.



I'm at a standstill on the quilt I showed yesterday, so I need something to keep my brain busy. Bad things happen if I don't stay occupied.

Classic *sue*...

Quilting. I started Quilting about 10 years ago. I made my last quilt 9 years ago. Huh? Well you see, I had this baby, named Meaghan, who learned to crawl. She liked Hot things. I have no idea how it happened or when, but one day, I noticed the top her left had, was one giant burn blister. She never made a peep, never cried. I had no idea she had burned herself, let alone so badly until after the fact. So, I packed everything up and stuck it into the attic. I did make several Quilts before things got put away, this being one of them. Stained Glass, I think it's very pretty. =)

I don't know why all of a sudden quilting popped back into my head, I've been knitting lately.. Oh! I got a catalog from the sister store of one of my online knitting suppliers.. that was it. I can't resist the geometrics, the colors.. So..

I jumped right on back in, both feet, no shoes, no clue and ordered up this Kit..

Pretty huh? Well I've completed all the outer an inner circles, next step? Sew them together. um, how do you sew curves? GACK. stay tuned.

Tis Monday

ya, so. it's Monday. freekin yipee.

I woke this morning to a loud argument. always a nice way to start the day.
I'm alone now. another day, trapped in the house. I have my web work to get done, then i basically sit and wait till it's time to take my meds again. Never really feel better until the second dose. Then, twiddle my thumbs, try to clean something, take the sick dog out 4x an hour.. till the kids get home. When I hear the bus, I get a knot in my tummy, waiting to see what kind of mood Miss M is in.. I know when K gets home around 5.. her mood will suck.

Today we meet Miss M's Big Sister. I hope it goes well.

I have to look at all the appointments I have set up for Wednesdays.. everything has to be done on weds.. and I've double booked some stuff. Super. I'm so confused, too many dates and times. Cancelled appts' and new ones made. It's a mess. So I guess that will be my chore for the day, straightening that out.
I had asked Scott on Friday to help me with it over the weekend. Guess you can tell how much help I got.

Tiny Flower?

I'm always curious how people come up with names for blogs, or other online AKA's. Tiny Flower popped into my head today, as I decided to once again start a blog.

Saint Therese of Lisieux is my inspiration. She was a cloistered Carmelite Nun called, Little Flower. Being much less than she, I chose something smaller.

She knew as a Carmelite nun she would never be able to perform great deeds. " Love proves itself by deeds, so how am I to show my love? Great deeds are forbidden me. The only way I can prove my love is by scattering flowers and these flowers are every little sacrifice, every glance and word, and the doing of the least actions for love.

Therese's "little way" of trusting in Jesus to make her holy and relying on small daily sacrifices instead of great deeds appealed to all who were trying to find holiness in ordinary lives.

So, this is how I try and live my life, by doing little things each day. My body fights me at anything I do. Great Deeds are forbidden me as well.

Tiny things, a hug, a smile, doing laundry.. these are all small deeds and I try to do them all with Love.